Steps to Conquer Your Fear of Hurting Someone4 min read

The fear of hurting someone is irrational and mostly rooted in a desire for total controlLet’s explore this fear and its consequences through the perspective of Geeta Ramakrishnan, who is the author of the book “The Game of Change.”

What Is the Fear of Hurting Someone, and Why Does It Happen?

The fear of hurting someone is, in fact, a “misguided form of empathy.” Because we fear causing a negative emotional impact on others, we hesitate to speak the truth or set boundaries. However, This kind of fear can become a restriction on our freedom.

There are many reasons behind this phobia of hurting someone’s feelings:

• 1. From a young age, we are taught that being good means making others happy. It indicates that we have done something wrong if someone else is hurt by our actions.
• 2. We feel that we are the ones responsible for the reactions of others. But this is untrue because other people are responsible for their own emotional processing.
• 3. Because of our fear of hurting someone, we choose compliance or silence to avoid messy conversations with others.
• 4. We wrongly assume that “hurting others” is a bigger sin compared to “hurting ourselves.”
  

How Fear of Hurting Others Slowly Hurts You

Being considerate of others’ feelings is, in fact, a virtue. However, an obsessive fear of hurting someone’s feelings is one of the many kinds of self-sabotaging behaviors. This causes an “erosion of identity.” As a result, we become a “chameleon,” where we keep shifting to please others’ expectations.

We feel stressed and anxious all the time because we constantly have to suppress our feelings and desires. The phobia of hurting someone’s feelings often results in us being caught in a trap of resentment. We also suffer from a feeling of stunted personal growth because of this fear.

The Real Shift: From People-Pleasing to Personal Responsibility

To shift from our people-pleasing behavior to personal responsibility, we must stick to the following rules:

Taking Emotional Ownership:

We might be responsible for our own actions and kindness towards others, but we are not responsible for the happiness or internal reactions of others. By realizing this, we can escape the fear of hurting someone.

Developing More Honest Connections:

Taking personal responsibility for being our true selves is important. By being brave enough to express our true feelings to others, we can build deeper and more honest relationships with those around us and avoid the fear of hurting someone phobia.

Practical Steps to Conquer the Fear of Hurting Someone (Hero Actions)

To conquer the fear of hurting others, it’s imperative that we transition from the passive “victim” thinking mode to the proactive “hero” mode. This can be achieved through the following steps:

1. Implementing the “Pause” Protocol

Before we say “yes” to a request out of guilt, we must implement a mandatory pause. The heroic action here is to detach our immediate emotional response (fear of rejection) from our logical capacity. 

It’s better to tell the other person, “I need to check my schedule and get back to you.” This will create the space necessary to evaluate if you are acting out of choice or compulsion.

2. Acceptance of “Temporary Discomfort”

The fear of hurting someone is usually just a fear of our own discomfort with their reaction. A key hero action is to sit with the awkwardness.

When you set a boundary, and the other person looks disappointed, it would be wise to resist the urge to “fix” it. Remind yourself that their disappointment is a natural emotion they are capable of handling.

3. Taking Care of Ourselves is Not Selfish

Your mindset should be “taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s a prerequisite for being a high-functioning human.”

The hero action here is to schedule “Me-Time” as a non-negotiable appointment. When you honor this kind of commitment to yourself, you build the “muscle memory” of self-respect, making it easier to say NO to others. And, your fear of hurting someone will gradually fade away!

Conclusion:

The phobia of hurting someone’s feelings is found among many of us. However, we can tackle this fear by following the instructions in the book, “The Game of Change” authored by Geeta Ramakrishnan.

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