The Game of Change

Geeta Ramakrishnan

Geeta

Chapter 10 – Happiness

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Ramki on happiness:

This Ted talk sums it up ‘You want meaning in life, not happiness’ by Emily Esfahani Smith

It shows belonging to a family, a society, a culture and adding value to others, taking a few moment away from your busy life to reflect and understand the story you tell yourself, about how you perceive yourself and how your perceive the people and events around you, thinking about a purpose in life, all of this helps you add the ‘Power of Meaning’ to life to give true happiness.

One of the best quotes on happiness:

“I am the happiest man alive
I have that in me that can convert poverty into riches
Adversity into prosperity and
I am more invulnerable than Achilles
Fortune hath not one place to hit me”

by Thomas Browne

If one has such attitude would you be anything other than happy!

Chapter 9 – Parenting Superstar

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And Ramki’s take…

  1. Whenever I read or talk about parenting, I can’t but recall what my father did when I was in 8th standard in school. I had got 20 marks in science and I was very afraid to take my progress card to my father. He had one look at it and said ‘which idiot gave you 20 marks?!’ – a question I was thoroughly unprepared for. That showed the confidence he had in me! He took me to school, met the head master and told him, ‘my son is not a genius; at the same time he is not one who deserves 20 marks; I want the teacher changed!’; The head master pleaded saying in middle year it is difficult to change class; but my father would not hear any of it; he said ‘change the class or I change the school!’ and the head master did change my class! After 50 plus years I still remember this vividly and it certainly helped me get self confidence. The whole thing could have been handled very negatively leaving a scar for the rest of my life!
  2. I like the personal stories you give and the vulnerability you are not afraid to show in your writing.
  3. ‘My mother eats and sleeps’ is hilarious!
  4. Another thing I really enjoyed is ‘the child has not read any of it (the books)!
  5. Very good tip: helping child set goals and targets; do not compare!
  6. Some gems here:
    1. You can have your life and be a parent too.
    2. Children make you better human beings.
    3. Never a dull moment as parent.
    4. There is no perfect family.
    5. At no age you stop being a parent and there is no age that you stop learning to be a parent.
    6. Listen without judgment.
    7. Pace a conversation and paraphrase what other person says –are good advices for any conversation.
    8. I am not perfect can be the mantra for improving our life in general; then we will think a lot before criticizing!

Chapter 8 – Effortless Relationships

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Ramki says:

  1. Principle of equals. Willingness to let go of ego. The most cardinal principle for an effective long term relationship.
  2. Our scriptures repeatedly point out we need to get out of ‘I’ – ‘mamakara’ and ‘ahankara’.
  3. When I read what you said ‘My husband is what I am not’- I was bemused; ‘My partner Sk is what I am not! We have been together in partnership for 40 years being south and north poles! As you say somehow it works! Opposites do attract!
  4. On the subject of trust I would urge you to listen to Ted radio hour (a collection of Ted talks on same subject) on the subject of trust and consequences; it aired on Mar 15 2018.
  5. ‘Comparing’ which you mention is one of the most dangerous things in relationships. Never ever compare. After all each one of us , our faces, our thumbs, our iris – our everything is different. Each one of us is a genius in something – some know it; some do not ; if we start comparing with a negative attitude, it will not make our life any better. Especially children never ever compare. A child needs love and as you rightly point out needs a constant reassurance.
  6. Emotional abusers are good manipulators! That’s a classic statement; a gem!
  7. Keeping the phone for charge in a far corner of the room or in another room is a must; I was happy to note in TW meetings there is a place to keep the mobile so that people would not be tempted to keep watching them all the time and sending that ‘one important message’ or mail; it becomes one too many!
  8. Cuddling is a pain killer is classic too!
  9. Every day finding 10 ways to be grateful is the key to happiness.
  10. I recently forwarded my friend’s statement to others. He said ‘My wife and I count each day as a bonus and whole life as a blessing’; that’s the only door to happiness!

N.B:

I love this beautiful video by a Buddhist Monk called ‘in giving we receive’ – about the Red wood trees which live hundreds of years but have shallow roots. They survive hurricanes and floods for many years by linking their roots and making a bond – is not many marriages like that? We owe our good lives to the peace, love and harmony brought about by our strong bondages and the better half.

Chapter 7 – Heart Meets Head

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What Ramki had to say…

How emotions are neglected is beautifully brought out with the salesman example. I have come across another great example in the following story.

A wake up call with a twist! Orlando Marriott in Florida. 7 o’clock wake up call.

‘Good morning Dr. B, it’s seven o’clock,’ caller says. ‘It’s going to be 75 degrees here today, but the computer says you’re leaving. Where are you going?’

‘New York City’, B said.

‘New York City? Let me see what the weather report in the paper says Oh dear. It’s gonna be 40 degrees and raining in New York. Couldn’t you stay another day?’

B asked for the woman’s name and was told it was Juanita.

Next was a speaking engagement in Orlando and B found he was booked into a different hotel.

His reaction: ‘But, I want to be in the Marriott, so I can speak to Juanita in the morning!’

Isn’t that WOW!

It’s not the 7 star service or size of room or the bed or the food or any of the hundred other things here –but the human approach of a person in a call centre. I tell this story to emphasize how every employee at every level is important and can make the business a success!

  1. Using your head and heart together – I recall a real story Chairman of a Company in Chennai told me. He was doing trekking in African Jungle with a forest ranger (actually one is not supposed to do that – they say always be in a vehicle as animals think the vehicle is bigger than them and avoid them; if you are on foot, you are another breakfast, lunch or dinner item depending on time or enemy!) They came across a lone tusker which is very dangerous. In the resultant confusion the team got separated and the ranger was with one of the groups. The elephant charged the other group of people where our friend was. The ranger suddenly came in between the charging elephant and the group of people it was charging. He waved the two sticks he had above his head creating an impression he was huge. The elephant stopped in its tracks and stomped the earth and trumpeted taking stock of the situation. He stood his ground and it backed off. Later on, he told the people he had heard that such a thing can make the elephant stop/back off as it gets confused about the real size of the person. Here was a person using his head and heart together (he felt he was responsible for their welfare, he had his knowledge and the guts) and took a brave split second decision which saved many lives. This may not be in same league as what you have written but gives a different perspective!
  2. Controlling anger – one important thing I tell my people is: ‘if you are angry and have drafted a mail in anger don’t send it – save it to drafts and look at it later – say after 4 hours – when you are more calm and composed; you will invariably make changes to the draft!’ (maybe even delete it).
  3. ‘When you say certain things you will get certain responses.’ I recall what I read about Benjamin Franklin – a rare combination of a good scientist and good businessman. If he is in a meeting and offers some good advice and some one else offers a stupid alternative, he will handle it very well. He will not put down that person or his idea. He will say “That’s a very good idea; but may be it won’t work here because…; what do you think?” and put it forth nicely. This way he got his thing done without offending any body; I am sure that other guy not even realizing his idea got shot down, will go and brag to his wife or friend that Benjamin said his idea was very good!
  4. ‘You don’t need a reason to feel happy’; Jaggi Vasudev has a similar take; he says when you get up in the morning rejoice saying ‘I am alive’; considering many people die every day, is it not an achievement to be just alive! Wonderful way to be happy without a reason!
  5. Your suggestions like new skills, Somatic, dance, music, yoga all are wonderful.
  6. Best sales person – I have a story for that too! How does the best sales person in USA sell cars? Jerry Griffin is one of the best car salesmen in U.S.A .There was nothing he would not do for a customer. One day a company sent out bid sheets to all car dealers asking for prices. All dealers sent in bids. Jerry sent excellent cars to the company parking lot and asked them to choose! He knew what the client wanted and acted on it. He was not planning to sell, preparing to sell, hoping to sell, he just sold and gave a choice also to the customer!’

Chapter 6 – Emotional Savvy

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And Ramki says…

  1. Internal world is full of stories! Numerous!
  2. Emotional agility is an ability to glide in and out of the maze of emotions, both positive and negative, accepting difficult ones with equal ease- The chapter 13 verse 8-12 of Gita we saw regarding qualities of Gnani also includes even-mindedness amidst desired and undesired events in life.
  3. It’s ok to feel emotions. You follow it later with ‘It’s ok to be angry; what you do with the anger is more important’. If it is channeled into doing something good anger is even welcome! I keep saying if some groups had shown all their energy and efforts in doing positive things like more education, more industrialisation etc that would have uplifted the world around them a lot.
  4. Happiness is independent of wealth. That’s why a Buddhist monk is called the ‘happiest man alive’; Bhutan talks of Gross Domestic Happiness.
  5. Very rightly you talk of the expectation of ‘likes’ in Facebook and Instagram; people have become slaves to their mobiles and apps! That’s why mobile free time/ days are so important!
  6. Favorite place which gives happiness. Everyone can relate to that and will have one’s own favorite place/memory.
  7. Epigenetics says ‘Positive experience can rewrite DNA itself!’ – I compare DNA and genes to Karma and Positive experience to Free will. Maybe you can’t rewrite your Karma/DNA but you can surely tweak it a little, if you use your free will.
  8. Interesting when you say ‘memory does not fade with age.’ I am also surprised how some events which happened when I was 5, I can recall after 60 years! I realise emotions have their own mind!
  9. ‘An appropriate amount of empathy’ is a great advise. It is necessary to be moderate in everything including empathy!
  10. I read somewhere ‘scientist sees NaCl+ H2O when he sees tears; a sensitive man sees what’s behind the tears!’
  11. Forgiving does you more good that the others. So true. When you read of stories like ‘Mother Forgives Her Son’s Killer. He Now Calls Her Mom’ you wonder whether it is practicable at all; but imagine the peace which both will earn if that happens! Though it is said Mahatma never said it ‘ An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’ is a beautiful quote whoever said it! Kural says ‘Inna seitharai Oruthal avar Nana Nannayam seithu vidal’ – ‘Make a wrong doer feel shy, by doing him a favour. If others harm you, do good unto them, so that they are shamed into realizing their mistakes.’
  12. The action steps are very practical; I always look forward to second Sunday when I attend the humor club; it charges your battery; I did Para-gliding at Bir billing HP at age 65 and am so happy I did it!’

What do you fear? Your health? Your wealth? Your relationship? What is holding you back? Fear is valid and necessary and to curb some impulsive behaviors. If you don’t take that chance, that calculated risk, you will not grow. You may stagnate. What risks are you willing to take? ????

Chapter 5 – Beyond Overwhelm

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Week 5 and what’s Ramki saying… ????

  1. ‘True time management has become a life skill.’ With today’s explosion of data and information one can go mad if one does not manage time and have focus.
  2. You have touched all aspects of good time management – boosting self-esteem; less stress; more productivity; more learning opportunities; more introspection time;
  3. Charles Darwin said: ‘A man who dares to waste one hour of time, has not discovered the value of life.’
  4. Many people have not learnt the art of saying no. That is a pity. Not only do they exhaust themselves, they also earn a bad name for not keeping up their words!
  5. Prioritizing based on likes is something many of us do! It becomes a habit! Your suggestion has to be implemented by all to save time and be productive.
  6. Stress – some time back I listened to a HBR idea cast ‘Handling stress in the moment’ – in it HBR contributing editor Amy Gallo discusses the best tactics to recognize, react to, and recover from stressful situations. She’s a contributor to the HBR guide to managing stress at work. You may want to listen to it/read the related HBR article.
  7. Morning before school stress – reminded me of a story on Toyota’s Five why’s and how a lady found the solution to her life problems (why the family can’t have dinner together) asking the question why –five times -like Toyota does to solve any problem. Read it here: https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/10/how-asking-5-questions-allowed-me-to-eat-dinner-with-my-kids/ ** on parenting – see below
  8. Financial needs are limitless – how true! Scriptures say desire is like ghee poured on fire; the more ghee you pour, the more ghee the fire wants! Sense objects have 3 defects – dukhamisritattvam, athriptikaratvam, bandakatvam (sure of leading to sorrow, insatiabe – being never fully satisfied, leading to bondage – may God pardon my poor translation!)
  9. Looking inward is really the solution to move forward. Essence of Vedanta.
  10. Spend some time with Nature – it works very well for me; I like to take my walks in parks; and after the walk just spend 5 minutes watching the trees, the flowers, the wind , the birds, the squirrel and listening to the nature’s sounds – it is so rejuvenating! (Yesterday I and my daughter took a walk in an estate in Coonoor and I did this morning too – it was a sublime experience! Imagine starting the day with a Rainbow and a Golden sun!)
  11. Mindfulness is important – Swami Paraarthananda used to say about meditation – it should not be ‘mouth chanting and mind ranting’!
  12. TV serials – yes some of them so absorbing it is difficult not to watch-get hooked – I make it a point to see ‘only on weekends’; actually it heightens the suspense and that is good! I watched serials in Nettflix like ‘Designated survivor’; (Thanks to Vardu) ; ‘Suits’; ‘Big bang theory’; one which was totally gripping (unputdownable as they say for books) was the ‘Money Heist’ a Spanish serial with English sub titles–it was awesome. ‘Breathe’ in Amazon Prime was good too.
  13. All 3 action points are very useful. 30 minutes a week, planning 4 boxes with family and adding ‘me-time’. Talking of me-time equivalent, Gita 13th chapter Verse 8-12 (Amanitvam, Adambitvam…) while talking of qualities of Gnani includes ‘an inclination for solitary places and an aversion for mundane society’.

**

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

**

Chapter 4 – Unlocking Success

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Ramki’s Input: Week 4

  1. It was nice to read about Sri. Sivaswamy the founder of Transworld; like all founder’s stories it is so inspiring. I think other than Charles Kettering there was no person who was (nearly) blind who built a business empire!
  2. Dreaming BIG – Goddess Namakkal gave Ramanujam complex math formulae in his dreams; Einstein is supposed to have discovered the principle of relativity after a dream. For some dreaming big comes naturally; some have to take efforts to dream! Our Scriptures talk a lot about Svapna –dreams and compare it to life itself which is a larger longer dream!
  3. Cutting your goals into small measurable ones and taking baby steps; I love this. I call this doing things in ‘bitable chunks’; for example- I started writing about each chapter of this book; if I had decided to write the whole thing in one shot, I probably would not even have started!
  4. My regimen for walking minimum 10k steps a day is a little severe; instead of rewarding myself for achieving it, I punish myself; if without cause (which I document) I do not walk, I need to walk double the gap on Sunday! It works!
  5. I learnt now only body has 25000 genes and about Epigenetics; I would have expected much more numbers considering all the varieties of humans; incredible what these 25k genes do to us!!
  6. Food – Gita describes how food affects Satvic / Rajasic/ Tamasic qualities in people. ‘You are what you eat!’
  7. The picture for ‘Dream and it is yours’ is beautiful and very apt! I do not know how many people pause to understand what it says!
  8. The Quadrants is a very practical way of prioritizing your things; I need to divide by ‘to do list’ into quadrants!

Chapter 3 – Inner Urge

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Week 3, Ramki says and I quote:

‘Some gems I liked:

  1. Your values need not be the same as another person. Not recognizing this is root
    cause of many problems; people want to see their mirror image in others and get disappointed if they can’t find it! The basic values are summarized in our scriptures
    as ‘Satyam Vadha, Dharmam chara- speak the truth, lead a Righteous life’ . Simple,
    elegant and common for all!
  2. You can have group values. Later on you say have family values. That’s a very good
    idea
  3. Build your image around your values
  4. Living by example is the best way for younger generation to emulate the values.
  5. Open your arms to change, but do not let go of your values.
  6. Assign ‘me time’
  7. More material thing more stress.
  8. More you care and give more you reap the benefits
  9. You are answerable to yourself first. If only people will hear the inner voice!
  10. Compromising once leads you to do more and more.

In financial frauds this happens often; they feel ‘just once’; ‘every one is doing it’; ‘I will correct it next year’ etc ; it does not happen; once you cross the Lakshman Rekha you are finished. Ramalinga Raju of Satyam called it ‘riding the tiger’; once you mount the tiger there is no going back.’