The Game of Change

Geeta Ramakrishnan

Emotions

Have we become a slave of our Emotions?

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Every morning we get up thinking of that stressful meeting or the hundred things that needs to be done in the morning. We even get up saying our first hello to the mobile phones, checking the facebook and whatsapp messages. We are unconsciously strengthening our brain connection with the past thoughts and emotions, most of which are negative. It helps in reaffirming the brains learning from the past and be in that emotion from the past.
Emotions causes inner changes in our body, releasing hormones and our body reacts as if under a real threat. Our heart rate goes up, blood rushes to our legs in preparation for running, and our creative part of the brain shuts down at that time. This influences the choices we make in dealing with that situation and the words we use which most often is defensive rather than proactive. We practice this pattern day after day, making it our default mode.
What can we do to change? Can we change the people around us? Can we change our boss, our school, our society?  By changing how we perceive the events, focusing on gratitude even if it is an insy pinsie one, we are training our brains to rewire, to think and feel differently.
So what if your friend is always late and it irritates you? By you getting annoyed and angry, like in the past, you are only causing damage to your physical and mental health. Maybe you are thinking he is so arrogant and does not care to apologize…
Taking a step back, a deep breath allows you to think differently and opens up different possibilities. He has stood by you when you needed him. What if he has time management issues but is too proud to discuss? Have you had a conversation and told him how upset you get about his tardiness?  Once your defense mechanism is down, your creative instincts comes to your rescue. Your mood changes from stress to excitement in opportunities. This in-turn releases helpful hormones relaxing your body and mind, enabling you to change from stress to Zen.

Chapter 10 – Happiness

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Ramki on happiness:

This Ted talk sums it up ‘You want meaning in life, not happiness’ by Emily Esfahani Smith

It shows belonging to a family, a society, a culture and adding value to others, taking a few moment away from your busy life to reflect and understand the story you tell yourself, about how you perceive yourself and how your perceive the people and events around you, thinking about a purpose in life, all of this helps you add the ‘Power of Meaning’ to life to give true happiness.

One of the best quotes on happiness:

“I am the happiest man alive
I have that in me that can convert poverty into riches
Adversity into prosperity and
I am more invulnerable than Achilles
Fortune hath not one place to hit me”

by Thomas Browne

If one has such attitude would you be anything other than happy!

Chapter 9 – Parenting Superstar

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And Ramki’s take…

  1. Whenever I read or talk about parenting, I can’t but recall what my father did when I was in 8th standard in school. I had got 20 marks in science and I was very afraid to take my progress card to my father. He had one look at it and said ‘which idiot gave you 20 marks?!’ – a question I was thoroughly unprepared for. That showed the confidence he had in me! He took me to school, met the head master and told him, ‘my son is not a genius; at the same time he is not one who deserves 20 marks; I want the teacher changed!’; The head master pleaded saying in middle year it is difficult to change class; but my father would not hear any of it; he said ‘change the class or I change the school!’ and the head master did change my class! After 50 plus years I still remember this vividly and it certainly helped me get self confidence. The whole thing could have been handled very negatively leaving a scar for the rest of my life!
  2. I like the personal stories you give and the vulnerability you are not afraid to show in your writing.
  3. ‘My mother eats and sleeps’ is hilarious!
  4. Another thing I really enjoyed is ‘the child has not read any of it (the books)!
  5. Very good tip: helping child set goals and targets; do not compare!
  6. Some gems here:
    1. You can have your life and be a parent too.
    2. Children make you better human beings.
    3. Never a dull moment as parent.
    4. There is no perfect family.
    5. At no age you stop being a parent and there is no age that you stop learning to be a parent.
    6. Listen without judgment.
    7. Pace a conversation and paraphrase what other person says –are good advices for any conversation.
    8. I am not perfect can be the mantra for improving our life in general; then we will think a lot before criticizing!

Chapter 8 – Effortless Relationships

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Ramki says:

  1. Principle of equals. Willingness to let go of ego. The most cardinal principle for an effective long term relationship.
  2. Our scriptures repeatedly point out we need to get out of ‘I’ – ‘mamakara’ and ‘ahankara’.
  3. When I read what you said ‘My husband is what I am not’- I was bemused; ‘My partner Sk is what I am not! We have been together in partnership for 40 years being south and north poles! As you say somehow it works! Opposites do attract!
  4. On the subject of trust I would urge you to listen to Ted radio hour (a collection of Ted talks on same subject) on the subject of trust and consequences; it aired on Mar 15 2018.
  5. ‘Comparing’ which you mention is one of the most dangerous things in relationships. Never ever compare. After all each one of us , our faces, our thumbs, our iris – our everything is different. Each one of us is a genius in something – some know it; some do not ; if we start comparing with a negative attitude, it will not make our life any better. Especially children never ever compare. A child needs love and as you rightly point out needs a constant reassurance.
  6. Emotional abusers are good manipulators! That’s a classic statement; a gem!
  7. Keeping the phone for charge in a far corner of the room or in another room is a must; I was happy to note in TW meetings there is a place to keep the mobile so that people would not be tempted to keep watching them all the time and sending that ‘one important message’ or mail; it becomes one too many!
  8. Cuddling is a pain killer is classic too!
  9. Every day finding 10 ways to be grateful is the key to happiness.
  10. I recently forwarded my friend’s statement to others. He said ‘My wife and I count each day as a bonus and whole life as a blessing’; that’s the only door to happiness!

N.B:

I love this beautiful video by a Buddhist Monk called ‘in giving we receive’ – about the Red wood trees which live hundreds of years but have shallow roots. They survive hurricanes and floods for many years by linking their roots and making a bond – is not many marriages like that? We owe our good lives to the peace, love and harmony brought about by our strong bondages and the better half.

Chapter 7 – Heart Meets Head

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What Ramki had to say…

How emotions are neglected is beautifully brought out with the salesman example. I have come across another great example in the following story.

A wake up call with a twist! Orlando Marriott in Florida. 7 o’clock wake up call.

‘Good morning Dr. B, it’s seven o’clock,’ caller says. ‘It’s going to be 75 degrees here today, but the computer says you’re leaving. Where are you going?’

‘New York City’, B said.

‘New York City? Let me see what the weather report in the paper says Oh dear. It’s gonna be 40 degrees and raining in New York. Couldn’t you stay another day?’

B asked for the woman’s name and was told it was Juanita.

Next was a speaking engagement in Orlando and B found he was booked into a different hotel.

His reaction: ‘But, I want to be in the Marriott, so I can speak to Juanita in the morning!’

Isn’t that WOW!

It’s not the 7 star service or size of room or the bed or the food or any of the hundred other things here –but the human approach of a person in a call centre. I tell this story to emphasize how every employee at every level is important and can make the business a success!

  1. Using your head and heart together – I recall a real story Chairman of a Company in Chennai told me. He was doing trekking in African Jungle with a forest ranger (actually one is not supposed to do that – they say always be in a vehicle as animals think the vehicle is bigger than them and avoid them; if you are on foot, you are another breakfast, lunch or dinner item depending on time or enemy!) They came across a lone tusker which is very dangerous. In the resultant confusion the team got separated and the ranger was with one of the groups. The elephant charged the other group of people where our friend was. The ranger suddenly came in between the charging elephant and the group of people it was charging. He waved the two sticks he had above his head creating an impression he was huge. The elephant stopped in its tracks and stomped the earth and trumpeted taking stock of the situation. He stood his ground and it backed off. Later on, he told the people he had heard that such a thing can make the elephant stop/back off as it gets confused about the real size of the person. Here was a person using his head and heart together (he felt he was responsible for their welfare, he had his knowledge and the guts) and took a brave split second decision which saved many lives. This may not be in same league as what you have written but gives a different perspective!
  2. Controlling anger – one important thing I tell my people is: ‘if you are angry and have drafted a mail in anger don’t send it – save it to drafts and look at it later – say after 4 hours – when you are more calm and composed; you will invariably make changes to the draft!’ (maybe even delete it).
  3. ‘When you say certain things you will get certain responses.’ I recall what I read about Benjamin Franklin – a rare combination of a good scientist and good businessman. If he is in a meeting and offers some good advice and some one else offers a stupid alternative, he will handle it very well. He will not put down that person or his idea. He will say “That’s a very good idea; but may be it won’t work here because…; what do you think?” and put it forth nicely. This way he got his thing done without offending any body; I am sure that other guy not even realizing his idea got shot down, will go and brag to his wife or friend that Benjamin said his idea was very good!
  4. ‘You don’t need a reason to feel happy’; Jaggi Vasudev has a similar take; he says when you get up in the morning rejoice saying ‘I am alive’; considering many people die every day, is it not an achievement to be just alive! Wonderful way to be happy without a reason!
  5. Your suggestions like new skills, Somatic, dance, music, yoga all are wonderful.
  6. Best sales person – I have a story for that too! How does the best sales person in USA sell cars? Jerry Griffin is one of the best car salesmen in U.S.A .There was nothing he would not do for a customer. One day a company sent out bid sheets to all car dealers asking for prices. All dealers sent in bids. Jerry sent excellent cars to the company parking lot and asked them to choose! He knew what the client wanted and acted on it. He was not planning to sell, preparing to sell, hoping to sell, he just sold and gave a choice also to the customer!’

Chapter 6 – Emotional Savvy

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And Ramki says…

  1. Internal world is full of stories! Numerous!
  2. Emotional agility is an ability to glide in and out of the maze of emotions, both positive and negative, accepting difficult ones with equal ease- The chapter 13 verse 8-12 of Gita we saw regarding qualities of Gnani also includes even-mindedness amidst desired and undesired events in life.
  3. It’s ok to feel emotions. You follow it later with ‘It’s ok to be angry; what you do with the anger is more important’. If it is channeled into doing something good anger is even welcome! I keep saying if some groups had shown all their energy and efforts in doing positive things like more education, more industrialisation etc that would have uplifted the world around them a lot.
  4. Happiness is independent of wealth. That’s why a Buddhist monk is called the ‘happiest man alive’; Bhutan talks of Gross Domestic Happiness.
  5. Very rightly you talk of the expectation of ‘likes’ in Facebook and Instagram; people have become slaves to their mobiles and apps! That’s why mobile free time/ days are so important!
  6. Favorite place which gives happiness. Everyone can relate to that and will have one’s own favorite place/memory.
  7. Epigenetics says ‘Positive experience can rewrite DNA itself!’ – I compare DNA and genes to Karma and Positive experience to Free will. Maybe you can’t rewrite your Karma/DNA but you can surely tweak it a little, if you use your free will.
  8. Interesting when you say ‘memory does not fade with age.’ I am also surprised how some events which happened when I was 5, I can recall after 60 years! I realise emotions have their own mind!
  9. ‘An appropriate amount of empathy’ is a great advise. It is necessary to be moderate in everything including empathy!
  10. I read somewhere ‘scientist sees NaCl+ H2O when he sees tears; a sensitive man sees what’s behind the tears!’
  11. Forgiving does you more good that the others. So true. When you read of stories like ‘Mother Forgives Her Son’s Killer. He Now Calls Her Mom’ you wonder whether it is practicable at all; but imagine the peace which both will earn if that happens! Though it is said Mahatma never said it ‘ An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’ is a beautiful quote whoever said it! Kural says ‘Inna seitharai Oruthal avar Nana Nannayam seithu vidal’ – ‘Make a wrong doer feel shy, by doing him a favour. If others harm you, do good unto them, so that they are shamed into realizing their mistakes.’
  12. The action steps are very practical; I always look forward to second Sunday when I attend the humor club; it charges your battery; I did Para-gliding at Bir billing HP at age 65 and am so happy I did it!’

What do you fear? Your health? Your wealth? Your relationship? What is holding you back? Fear is valid and necessary and to curb some impulsive behaviors. If you don’t take that chance, that calculated risk, you will not grow. You may stagnate. What risks are you willing to take? ????

Chapter 3 – Inner Urge

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Week 3, Ramki says and I quote:

‘Some gems I liked:

  1. Your values need not be the same as another person. Not recognizing this is root
    cause of many problems; people want to see their mirror image in others and get disappointed if they can’t find it! The basic values are summarized in our scriptures
    as ‘Satyam Vadha, Dharmam chara- speak the truth, lead a Righteous life’ . Simple,
    elegant and common for all!
  2. You can have group values. Later on you say have family values. That’s a very good
    idea
  3. Build your image around your values
  4. Living by example is the best way for younger generation to emulate the values.
  5. Open your arms to change, but do not let go of your values.
  6. Assign ‘me time’
  7. More material thing more stress.
  8. More you care and give more you reap the benefits
  9. You are answerable to yourself first. If only people will hear the inner voice!
  10. Compromising once leads you to do more and more.

In financial frauds this happens often; they feel ‘just once’; ‘every one is doing it’; ‘I will correct it next year’ etc ; it does not happen; once you cross the Lakshman Rekha you are finished. Ramalinga Raju of Satyam called it ‘riding the tiger’; once you mount the tiger there is no going back.’